MPH 599 Week 3 Paragraph Architecture Exercise Example

Paragraph Architecture Exercise: Two Supplied Paragraphs on Foodborne Illness and Restaurant Inspection, Rebuilt So Each Holds One Claim

Student Name

Chamberlain University

MPH 599: Professional Writing

Instructor Name

Month Day, Year

Paragraph Architecture Exercise: Two Supplied Paragraphs on Foodborne Illness and Restaurant Inspection, Rebuilt So Each Holds One Claim

The Task and the Rule Used

The exercise supplies two paragraphs from a student draft about foodborne illness and restaurant inspection and asks for each to be rebuilt, with a note explaining the changes. The rule I applied is the one the exercise targets: a paragraph should put its claim in its first sentence and keep the same subject to the end, starting a new paragraph where the subject changes. Williams and Bizup (2017) describe the same principle as keeping a consistent topic across a passage so that the reader always knows what it is about. Polishing sentences is not the point here; a paragraph can have clean sentences and still change subject halfway, which no amount of polishing fixes. The supplied versions are reproduced first, unchanged, so the comparison is complete.

Paragraph 1, as Supplied

"Each year in the United States there are many foodborne illnesses, and estimates have been produced using surveillance data. Norovirus is the most common cause. Restaurants are inspected regularly by local health departments using codes based on the federal model code. Hospitalizations are also an important measure, and Salmonella is the leading cause of those. The inspection process varies between jurisdictions. Some foodborne illness is acquired in restaurants, though the exact share is uncertain. Health departments therefore have an important role."

Paragraph 1, Rebuilt as Two Paragraphs

"Foodborne illness is common in the United States, and most of it is caused by a few pathogens. Using surveillance data and other sources, Scallan et al. (2011) estimated that 31 major pathogens caused 9.4 million episodes of foodborne illness each year, with about 56,000 hospitalizations and about 1,350 deaths. Norovirus caused most illnesses, 58%, while nontyphoidal Salmonella was the leading cause of hospitalization and of death. These figures are estimates with wide intervals, but they show the scale of the problem that food safety programs address.

Restaurant inspection is one of the main tools local health departments use against foodborne illness. Inspectors visit restaurants on a set schedule and score them against food codes, most of which are based on a federal model code. How often inspectors visit, how they score and what follows a low score vary between jurisdictions. Because only part of foodborne illness is acquired in restaurants, and the exact share is uncertain, inspection can address only part of the burden."

Note on Paragraph 1

The supplied paragraph had two subjects: how much foodborne illness there is and how restaurants are inspected. It moved between them four times. Its first sentence promised the first subject, and its last sentence, about health departments' role, drew a conclusion neither subject supported. I split it where the subject changes. Each new paragraph opens with its claim, and every sentence after the first is about the same subject: the first paragraph is about burden and its causes, the second about inspection and its limits. I added the source the supplied version lacked and replaced "many" with the estimate. I did not add linking words to hold the original together, because a connective cannot repair a paragraph whose subject keeps changing; it only disguises the change. The added source matters as well, since an estimate with a citation can be checked and "many" cannot.

Paragraph 2, as Supplied

"Letter grades have been introduced in some cities. In New York City, restaurants receive grades of A, B or C. Inspection scores improved after grading started, according to one study. Some restaurant owners objected to the program because they felt it was unfair. Los Angeles County started posting grade cards in 1998. Hospitalizations for foodborne disease decreased after that. Diners in New York also said they used the grades. Grading may therefore be effective."

Paragraph 2, Rebuilt

"Posting inspection grades where diners can see them has been followed by better restaurant hygiene and, in one county, fewer foodborne disease hospitalizations. In Los Angeles County, where grade cards were posted from 1998, foodborne disease hospitalizations fell by 13.1% in the following year relative to the rest of California, after adjustment for earlier trends, and the decrease was sustained over the next two years (Simon et al., 2005). New York City adopted letter grades in 2010, and by three years later restaurants were 35% more likely to land in the A range when inspectors arrived unannounced than they had been three years before the change, and most residents reported using the grades when deciding where to eat (Wong et al., 2015). Both studies compare periods before and after the programs started, so anything else that shifted during those years may account for some of the gain."

Note on Paragraph 2

The supplied paragraph mixed two cities and three kinds of finding: inspection scores, hospitalizations and diner behavior. It also included owners' objections, a separate subject that belongs in its own paragraph if the paper needs it. The rebuild states the claim first, that posting grades has been followed by better hygiene and fewer hospitalizations, and then gives the evidence for it, one city at a time, ending with the limit that applies to both studies. Owners' objections are left for a separate paragraph. The final sentence replaces "grading may therefore be effective," which repeated the claim without adding anything, with the qualification a reader needs to judge the evidence.

What This Exercise Taught Me

Both supplied paragraphs had good material in the wrong order. The test I will carry into later papers is simple: after drafting a paragraph, write its subject in three words in the margin; if a sentence needs a different three words, it belongs in another paragraph, however well it reads where it is.

References

Scallan, E., Hoekstra, R. M., Angulo, F. J., Tauxe, R. V., Widdowson, M.-A., Roy, S. L., Jones, J. L., & Griffin, P. M. (2011). Foodborne illness acquired in the United States: Major pathogens. Emerging Infectious Diseases, 17(1), 7-15. https://doi.org/10.3201/eid1701.p11101

Simon, P. A., Leslie, P., Run, G., Jin, G. Z., Reporter, R., Aguirre, A., & Fielding, J. E. (2005). Impact of restaurant hygiene grade cards on foodborne-disease hospitalizations in Los Angeles County. Journal of Environmental Health, 67(7), 32-36.

Williams, J. M., & Bizup, J. (2017). Style: Lessons in clarity and grace (12th ed.). Pearson.

Wong, M. R., McKelvey, W., Ito, K., Schiff, C., Jacobson, J. B., & Kass, D. (2015). Impact of a letter-grade program on restaurant sanitary conditions and diner behavior in New York City. American Journal of Public Health, 105(3), e81-e87. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2014.302404